Imago relationship therapy: regain the love you once shared
Falling in love is easy, but keeping that magic alive can seem challenging - especially when your beloved starts displaying annoying traits, makes unacceptable decisions, or fails to consider your feelings. How can these power struggles be transformed and emotional intimacy and passion restored? Kobus van der Merwe explains how Imago Relationship Therapy works and how it can heal romantic relationships.
Sometimes life seems bitterly unfair. We grow up with fairy tales that end in “… and they lived happily ever after”, while our own long-term relationships are often more aptly described as “sudden disillusionment”, “an uphill struggle” or “a sad case of growing apart”.
How some of us long for the excitement and closeness of those early days!
Since there are no fairy godmothers to wave their wands and revive our love life, we need to find other solutions. One of the numerous relationship tools available is Imago Relationship Therapy, one with an unusual starting point and surprising results.
The principles of Imago therapy, developed by dr. Harville Hendrix in the USA, may initially seem counterintuitive, but as the bigger picture comes into focus it sparks new realisations – and hope.
“Couples have different reasons for requesting therapy or attending my Imago workshops,” says Kobus van der Merwe, Imago Relationship Clinical Instructor and Therapist from Pretoria.
“They may simply want to deepen a good relationship, but sometimes their relationship is at a crossroads. They feel they have nothing in common anymore and may be unsure whether they still love each other.
“Fortunately, I can reassure them that the secret of a satisfying long-term relationship is not finding the perfect partner, but understanding the dynamics underlying the relationship.”
Contrary to popular belief, Imago therapists do not believe that choosing the “right” partner guarantees long-term happiness. After all, the downside of this outlook is that happiness will elude you if you set off by making the “wrong” choice. Your choice is always right because relationship partners are chosen at a subconscious level. This forms the base of the approach.
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The subconscious agenda
Imago means image, and this therapy works with the “image” of your partner that you develop from an early age and that ultimately determines who you find attractive. “We are subconsciously attracted to people who display the characteristics of one or both of our parents,” Kobus explains. “The thought that you were attracted to your husband because he resembles your mother or father – usually the parent with whom you have the most difficult relationship – can be a shocking realisation. It is, however, true that your partner reflects these ‘problematic’ parental characteristics.”
Why would your subconscious follow this path? “Your subconscious is not interested in turning your experience into a fairy tale, but in turning you into a whole person.
“Babies enter the world in a relatively ‘whole’ state; they are joyous, able to relax, and experience a sense of connection with everything and everyone.
“Should all their needs be met, they would remain in this privileged state, but even the most devoted parents cannot provide perfect care and security. Some of their children’s needs necessarily remain unfulfilled - causing pain, fear and gaps in their wholeness.”
As children grow older, this onslaught increases. “We learn that certain aspects of ourselves are unacceptable to our parents, friends or the wider community. We learn to suppress or deny these parts. By the time we reach our teens we are a mere shadow of our true, whole self.”
Even adults with impressive careers and great responsibilities have been wounded by life. “We do our best to live meaningfully, but unconsciously we yearn to regain that feeling of unfettered joy.”
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Infatuation is followed by disillusion
When we fall in love, a miracle happens. “Suddenly everything is transformed. We laugh, and all the world laughs with us. We feel fully alive and connected. We feel safe and fulfilled. As long as we can be with our partner, we have all we need. We finally feel whole again.”
In due time, this state loses its lustre. “We discover that our loved one has characteristics that we do not like. Even traits we once admired may become intolerable. Our dreams of a perfect relationship have been shattered. We are disillusioned and fear that we will not be able to survive without the love and security that were within our reach. The infatuation phase turns into a power struggle.”
Image Pexels
Enter the Imago principles, which can help us see the matter in a different light and transform the power struggle into lasting, mature love. “Of course, this takes time and requires insight, dedication and perseverance. Couples need to acquire specific skills, such as how to communicate effectively. A three-day workshop may not be enough; further therapy may be necessary.
“The good news is that a couple who really desires to get their relationship back on track can do so. They don’t need to go looking for new partners. Their present partner is the ‘right one’ and can help them become a whole person.”
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Stretching to fill those gaps
“What people need to grasp,” says Kobus, “is the way in which Imago partners help each other heal. Deep down, we are still struggling with the wounds or gaps inflicted on us during childhood and want our partner to give us the care our parents or caregivers couldn’t. One would think we’d subconsciously choose a partner with the characteristics our parents lacked, but it does not work that way. We choose a partner with similar characteristics. Our subconscious is actually reconstructing the original scenario, giving us a second chance to solve the core issues.
“One practical example would concern the amount of attention each member of a couple received in their childhood. Let’s suppose the husband was showered with parental involvement, while his wife was more or less left to fend for herself. In adulthood, the husband needs lots of space and time on his own, while his wife feels anxious when finding herself alone and wants him at her side all the time. He experiences her as needy; she finds him aloof.
“In order to be able to meet each other’s needs, they must first gain insight into what is really going on. Imago therapists see a conscious relationship as the therapy that is required. In order for the relationship to heal, the partners need to act in certain ways. They must go against their grain to provide for one another in a loving way. The husband should allow his wife to get closer to him, while she should give him more space. He deliberately becomes more accessible emotionally; she grows more independent.
“By ‘stretching’ to meet each other, healing occurs.
Image Pexels
“See how beautifully this process works: each grows beyond the constraints they have acquired through emotional injury and this enables them to give the other what he or she needs. It’s not a comfortable option, but it yields a good harvest. This kind of growth breaks down barriers within and between people.”
The Imago dialogue: finding a soul connection
How do partners find the necessary motivation to expand beyond their comfort zone?
“Once again, the answer lies in awareness – this time, in seeking a soul connection with your partner. Awareness doesn’t involve only the mind. Miracles happen when partners start seeing each other ‘with the heart.’
“The basic skill that Imago therapists teach couples is the Imago dialogue. One partner talks about a relationship issue, while the other actively listens.
“The conversation follows a prescribed protocol. Suppose the wife is speaking and the husband is listening. He has to repeat what she has said, and she must tell him whether he has ‘heard it all’. If he hasn’t, he must listen again, until she is satisfied that he really took in what she said. He then asks her to tell him more, and the conversation deepens. This process is designed to evoke the childhood of the one who speaks, since the roots of relationship issues so often lie in the early childhood years.
“The Imago dialogue is powerful because it creates a safe space. The partner who is listening cannot let his mind drift, defend himself or launch a counter-attack, but is gradually drawn into his partner’s inner world. At some point the speaker’s childhood wounds will come to the fore. This rarely leaves the listener untouched. Vulnerability creates intimacy and makes one more considerate and willing to change one’s behaviour.”
“Such a conversation could, for instance, touch on a seemingly trivial matter like how to handle the breakfast dishes. Suppose a woman insists on washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen surfaces before the couple is off to for work, while her husband fails to understand what the fuss is about. “During the dialogue process he may discover that his wife received a tongue lashing from her mother each time she would go to school without first making the kitchen shine. He recognises the anxiety his wife experienced as an eight year old and sees the link between a messy kitchen and his wife’s emotional reaction. Because he listens with his heart, his partner feels heard.”
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Other techniques couples acquire include “flooding” – immersing your partner in positive energy – and holding each other in a comforting, non-sexual way. Importantly, partners learn what kind of care they need and how to ask for it.
“The transformation of relationships does not happen easily or overnight. Resistance is natural; change in a sensitive area such as a long-term relationship often evokes anxiety. However, taking the first step and then doing the work can lead to a more aware, consciously loving relationship, which finally benefits not only a couple but also their children and everyone close to them.”
Contact details
Kobus van der Merwe is an Imago Clinical Relationship Therapist, Couples Workshop Presenter and Clinical Instructor at Imago Africa. He has worked as a full-time therapist since 1996.
All services are offered online.
Tel. 0823314704
http://www.imagorelationship.co.za/
This article originally appeared in rooi rose magazine.
Thumbnail image: Pexels.
Other images: Unsplash, unless indicated otherwise. Models used.