5 things you need to know before you get married
Before you say “I do” or commit yourself to a long-term relationship, it’s wise to do a reality check. How will you handle each of the five issues below? If you’re willing to learn and grow, you should be fine - especially with Dr. John Demartini’s practical advice and insights from Imago Relationship Therapy, which will help you turn infatuation into enduring love.
It’s not about happiness, it’s about growth
“Marriage is not meant to make you happy; it's meant to make you grow. " This is what Dr. John Demartini, behaviour specialist, business consultant and author of many books, including The Heart of Love (Hay House, 2007) said at a seminar I once attended. These words shattered one of my deeply held beliefs. Isn’t the whole point of getting married sharing your life with someone who complements and completes you - and doing this in order to be happy?
In time, I came to realise what Dr. Demartini meant. To expect only happiness from this union is completely unrealistic. Life consists of ups and downs; we experience lighter as well as darker moments. Moreover, it is unwise to hold someone else responsible for your happiness. You are the one making each and every choice, including the way you react to circumstances. It's only human to want to take on the victim role, but adulthood presupposes responsibility for yourself. And marriage provides an excellent space for discovering who you really are, what you truly need, and how to take care of yourself.
When your partner pushes your buttons, you can learn to respond with curiosity and ask yourself which characteristic is coming to light right now.
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We may not realise that each of us, like reality, consists of “darkness” as well as light. We are both wise and ignorant, generous and stingy - it simply depends on the context. We may find it easy to share our money with others, while our nearest and dearest may deem us “stingy” in an emotional sense.
In practical terms: when your partner has upset you, you can reframe their actions by asking yourself:
What it is that’s really bothering me?
In which context do I do much the same thing?
If your partner, from your point of view, treats a street person insensitively, it may be that you tend to treat yourself in an insensitive way. If your partner is too proud to accept advice, it may be that you are too proud to ask God or the Universe for help.
Realising that you and your partner have something in common – that you are both fallible – is quite a mind shift to make. However, it’s an insight that will yield fruit for years to come.
Taking this approach to your partner’s “mistakes” enables you to creatively transform disappointment and frustration into self-knowledge. The focus remains where it should be: on me and my growth, which also happens to be the only sphere over which I have control.
The better you know and integrate your own shadow side, the less your partner's "mistakes" will bother you. Fostering a non-judgemental attitude towards your partner will enrich your relationship by establishing a safe space where your partner feels free to talk openly and express their true self.
2. Attraction is replaced by a power struggle
What a pity that the euphoria of falling in love is so short-lived. You revel in your good fortune in having found the perfect partner, not realising that in your love-struck condition your body is secreting feel-good hormones as powerful as cocaine. Next thing you know you’re experiencing withdrawal symptoms. All of a sudden your partner is exhibiting “imperfect” traits, and on top of that they are blaming you of doing the same!
According to Imago Relationship Therapy experts, this is a good thing. It is exactly what is supposed to happen - once again, in the interests of personal growth. From an early age, these therapists explain, we are shaped by interaction with our parents. Because they are imperfect, we sustain emotional wounds.
When we fall in love, we tend to be drawn to someone with characteristics that are similar to those of our parents. We are unconsciously recreating the original scenario so that we can solve the problematic issues this time round.
As an example, a man who grew up being the sole focus of his parents’ attention can marry a woman who, as a child, was mostly left to herself. As an adult, this man feels the need to spend a lot of time on his own, His partner, on the other hand, feels anxious when she is on her own. He experiences her as clingy; she sees him as aloof.
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The secret lies in the realisation that both partners’ wounds can be healed when they fully understand the situation and are willing to “stretch” to meet one anothers' needs. As he deliberately tries to accommodate her, he learns to become emotionally more accessible. By deliberately giving him more breathing space, she, in turn, grows more independent. Each becomes more of a whole person and their conscious relationship has a therapeutic effect.
Imago Relationship Therapy equips couples with effective communication tools and other strategies, while also requiring dedication and patience. Even so, it’s good to know that the power struggle is a normal phase that can be useful in transforming infatuation into mature love.
Read how Imago Relationship Therapy works and how it can heal romantic relationships.
3. Having an all-in-one partner is a myth
When you're in the throes of love, you couldn’t care less about the world beyond your beautiful bubble. As long as your loved one is with you, your cup overflows. You spend every free moment in each other’s company … until the day arrives when things change. Suddenly, he doesn’t want to read the poems you write. He’s no longer interested in watching your favourite series. This is not a sign that all is lost, but that it’s time to restore balance on your side.
A marriage suffers when someone thinks their wife or husband’s love is all they need, Dr. John Townsend explains in Leef in liefde, (Struik Christelike Boeke, 2009). In fact, the wife or husband is expected to symbolically take over the role of the parent.
"Marriage partners require other sources of love to retain passion in their relationship, otherwise the partner from whom so much is expected will feel they are being suffocated. Each partner needs three sets of good, emotionally satisfying friendships: yours, mine and ours.”
In The Heart of Love Dr. Demartini makes an unusual statement. He says even when you are single, your “loved one” is present in your life all day, every day.
To test this, you can try the following exercise:
Make a list of what you are looking for in your soul mate. Take care to write down each characteristic.
Now look at how and by whom each trait is embodied in your life. Who, for instance, is dependable, creative, successful, or makes you laugh? If you keep looking, you will discover which friend, colleague, family member or client - or book, movie or daydream - brings this quality into your life.
“We’re always surrounded by whatever we love. Nothing is missing. It’s just present in a form you haven’t recognised. Love it the way it is, and it will transform into the way you love.”
You can also ask yourself what you’d prefer in the long run:would it be an one all-encompassing relationship, or a rich experience involving a variety or people, things and places?
4. I don’t understand my partner any more
It's not uncommon to wake up one morning and wonder who the stranger in your bed really is. His actions no longer make sense. And you were under the impression that you had him figured out …
The only reliable assumption you can make about anyone is that they will be true to their values, emphasises Dr. Demartini. In this context, “values" refer to priorities rather than to what is deemed right or wrong. Dr. Demartini lists seven areas of life: spiritual, mental, vocational, financial, familial, social and physical. Each of us lists these fields in a specific order. Our lives reveal our highest values; these are the things we think, dream and talk about the most, the things with which we fill our space and on which we spend time, money and energy.
Note: Dr. Demartini developed a free, private, online tool to determine your unique hierarchy of values. To access this 13-step exercise, go to https://drdemartini.com/values/ and click on “Get started (free)”. You’ll be brought to a page where Dr. Demartini talks you through the process (on video). Keep your notebook or preferred way of taking notes handy!
Another exercise:
Rank your seven areas of life from most to least important,and do the same with your partner's .
Not only do your respective preferences and decisions suddenly make more sense, but you now have a powerful tool for communicating effectively with your partner.
The secret lies in learning to convey your highest values in terms of his highest values. Let’s say your top priority is family, and his is the mental field. When he feels you are paying too much attention to the kids, you can remind him that it gives him extra time to look up interesting things on the Internet. This art is discussed in detail in The Heart of Love.
The following exercise is designed specially for partners who are worried about their relationship and wondering how on earth two people whose values differ so widely can stay close:
Write down your five most important value fields, and write down your partner’s top five next to them.
List at least five ways in which your partner's top value helps you fulfill your highest priority. In terms of the example mentioned above: if your partner spends many hours surfing the Internet, you may realise that this gives you more time with the kids, who are your top priority.
Now list five ways your highest value helps your partner fulfill his top priority.
Repeat the process for the other four items on each list.
When this exercise proves difficult, push through! While it seems simple, it actually rewires your brain and opens a new door to communication and intimacy.
Because our values may change, it's sensible to repeat the exercise every quarter.
Read how to live according to your highest values and achieve your highest vision.
5 Red-hot passion subsides
Even though it may seem unlikely at first, the day may come when you barely notice when your husband emerges from the shower, all fresh and smiling, or when he - no matter how scantily clad you are – won’t even raise an eyebrow.
In long term relationships, sex ebbs and flows. Apart from obvious causes for passion taking a back seat, such as illness, children who need attention, fatigue, work or financial pressure, unprocessed trauma or unresolved relationship issues, there is a deeper dynamic which we need to consider.
Value fulfillment - feeling that your values are being noticed and taken into account - plays a big role in sexual fulfillment, says Dr. Demartini. Who doesn’t appreciate feeling seen and being allowed to spend time and energy on what they deem most important?
In this regard, Dr. Demartini's book, The Breakthrough Experience (Hay House, 2002) offers a step-by-step inner transformation process that you can apply at home as a self-help tool. This process is also available as a live or online workshop: The Breakthrough Experience™ which can help you neutralise traits hindering sexual fulfillment that your partner (or you) may have.
Another factor that endangers sexual fulfillment is inequality in terms of self-worth. Often one partner – let’s say the wife - has very little self-worth in one or more areas of life.
At the same time, her husband overestimates his worth. "They start acting out familiar roles, such as those of parent and child, or the one who controls and the one who is controlled.
"The greater the difference in power, the more it will quench passion. After all, who wants to be married to their father or mother?” Dr. Demartini asks in The Heart of Love.
This situation must be dealt with consciously. The golden rule is to deliberately develop your potential in every value field. Not only does empowering yourself make you more attractive, but you become much more interesting to yourself!
Contact details
More information about Dr. Demartini’s work, books and other helpful tools at https://drdemartini.com/
To learn more about The Breakthrough Experience™ go to https://demartini.fm/breakthrough4
Imago Relationship Therapy: http://www.imagorelationship.co.za/
Images: Unsplash, unless indicated otherwise. Models used.
This article originally appeared in rooi rose magazine.