Stretching your comfort zone: insights and advice
Would you like to set big goals or have new experiences, but find that fear or doubt is holding you back? Master transformation coach Liezl Thom explains what keeps us within our familiar boundaries - and how neuroplasticity, a little willpower, repetition, small rewards and support can help us shape a richer reality. “When your reason is stronger than your fear, you’re on your way.”
An article on stepping out of your comfort zone, published in Plus 50 magazine in 2022, was based on this interview.
1 Some people believe that an old dog cannot learn new tricks. What is your view?
You can teach an old dog new tricks - if you are consistent and there is the right motivation to learn the new trick or behaviour (with dogs, the motivation is as simple as a snack - with humans, it’s a little more complicated.)
It was long believed that the human brain is a rigid system with no ability to generate new brain cells. Experts believed that humans were born with all of their brain cells, that we lose brain cells every day and that those lost cells could not be replaced - but research has since proven that this is not true; that we can generate new brain cells.
Neuroplasticity implies that we can create new neural pathways, can learn new skills and create new habits and behaviours and debunks the idea that older people don’t have the ability to learn new things. It does take repetition though - and, as I said, the right motivation.
If you want to teach a puppy not to mess in the house, you have to repeat, repeat, repeat - the same with our subconscious minds. That is why, when you want to break a habit, or create a new one, you have to repeat, repeat, repeat until the habit is ingrained in your subconscious.
There are four levels or stages of learning something new.
Firstly, there is the unconscious incompetence - when we don’t know what we don’t know.
Then, we become aware that there is a something we don’t know, which moves us into conscious incompetence.
Once we start learning the skill, we move into conscious competence. This is where you have to focus to do whatever it is you are learning.
Lastly, we integrate the skill and move into unconscious competence.
Remember when you started driving a car. In the beginning, you had to concentrate very hard on changing gears, using the mirrors, using the indicators, keeping the vehicle on the road etc. Now you sometimes barely remember your drive home, because driving is now performed from your subconscious competence. If we repeat an action long enough, we become unconsciously competent at it - and neuroplasticity means that as long as we have a healthy brain, it can learn at any age.
2 How would you define a “comfort zone”?
A comfort zone is what we know and are used to. It’s predictable. It is when we do the same things, interact with the same people, have the same thoughts over and over. A comfort zone is not necessarily comfortable though. A person who is in a negative, destructive or even abusive relationship stays in that relationship because (s)he knows what to expect. When a comfort zone is safe, it can become boring or unfulfilling but when a comfort zone is not safe, like an abusive relationship, it can end in tragedy.
3 How do we develop our individual comfort zone?
When we were children and still learning about the world, almost everything was unknown. Each day brought new exploration and new possibilities.
When we learned how to walk, or ride a bicycle, we fell down, yet we got back up each time and tried again because we had an unshakeable desire to walk, or to ride that bicycle. Even though we sometimes got hurt, the rewards were greater than the sacrifices.
Our parents and caregivers kept us safe. They set the parameters for us within which we could explore, learn and grow. As we grew older and gained experience, we started forming our own ideas ideas of what was safe and what not.
The prime directive of our subconscious mind - in other words its most important job - is to keep us alive. To help it perform this function, it uses what is known as a psycho-cybernetic mechanism to keep us within the parameters that we know, because it’s safe.
Before I explain the psycho-cybernetic mechanism, let me first explain what a cybernetic mechanism is. A cybernetic mechanism is designed to monitor a certain parameter and take corrective action to correct any deviation. Let’s take an air conditioner’s climate control, which maintains a set temperature. Adjusting the settings of the air conditioner will activate and deactivate to maintain the set temperature because of the cybernetic mechanism.
The psycho-cybernetic mechanism is in charge of keeping you in your comfort zone - regardless of how bad the situation is or how badly you want to change.When it picks up any deviation from its set parameters (your comfort zone) it sends feedback to your nervous system, which then tries to “correct” the deviation by creating an emotional stimulus to bring you back into your comfort zone.
Wondering about Liezl’s background, interests and favourite pastimes? Read more about the person behind the professional.
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4 What is the function of a comfort zone?
A comfort zone keeps us where we are - because our subconscious mind thinks it’s safe. Let’s take a salesperson who works for commission as an example. If he decides he wants to double his earnings, he would have to work twice as hard, make twice as many phone calls and possibly sacrifice his weekends and family time. After a week or two this hard work starts paying off and his income is higher than the previous months’ income.
At this point, his psycho-cybernetic mechanism would kick in and send neural transmitters to cause doubts, fear, anxiety and perhaps complacency. This happens automatically without us knowing. It would cause him to rationalise things like taking a break, going out with friends - “rewards” for working so hard. All this is to bring him back into his comfort zone of earning X amount of money. Our psycho-cybernetic mechanism doesn’t know if you are happy or unhappy in your comfort zone - it’s job is just to keep you in that zone because it is known and it is safe.
5 Which advantages are attached to staying (or getting stuck) in our comfort zone?
Virginia Satir said that familiarity is the most powerful force in human beings. Many people’s need for certainty and familiarity is so overwhelming that they end up settling for less, staying where they are and not allowing themselves to experience the unknown because they fear that unknown. Fear is a big motivator and by staying within the known parameters, we can avoid feeling the unpleasant sensations associated with fear.
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6 Do you think attachment to our comfort zone increases as we grow older and our world, perhaps, grows smaller?
I think it depends on the individual and his or her lived experience. Some people stretch the parameters of their comfort zones on a regular basis and have become used to the initial discomfort associated with stepping outside of the known. The discomfort associated with stepping outside our comfort zones never lasts very long, as we grow used to the new parameters and it quickly becomes our new comfort zone - so the more you stretch those boundaries, the more you’ll get used to it.
The opposite is also true though. People who have been avoiding the fear and discomfort of stretching their limits throughout their lives, are likely to continue their behaviour of fear and risk avoidance as they grow older. I do think that the perspective that comes with age, that our time here on earth is finite and if we don’t step out of our comfort zones we might miss out, is for many older people the impetus they need to take the leap - but again, depending on the individual, some people are just too scared to take a chance.
7 What makes moving out of our comfort zone more appealing than staying in it?
Neale Donald Walsch said that life begins at the edge of your comfort zone. We only grow and experience new things when we are brave enough to step outside that imaginary boundary we have subconsciously created for ourselves. All it takes is a little willpower and repetition. To paraphrase an advertisement from the eighties: “You can stay as you are for the rest of your life, or you can change…"
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8 How would you describe the benefits of stepping out of or extending one’s comfort zone?
Like a muscle gets stronger with repeated use, our ability to stretch or extend our comfort zone improves with repetition - so the first benefit would be the more you do it, the easier it becomes. When we challenge ourselves to do things that take us out of our comfort zones, we gain confidence in our own abilities. We learn new skills and grow.
Leaving your comfort zone allows you the opportunity to experience new things, engage in new activities and meet new people. The physical sensation we experience in our bodies when we feel fear and the physical sensation of excitement are very similar - so we often mistake the nervous energy of excitement for fear, which then prevents us from taking action. When we extend our comfort zone, we create more space for fun, joy and excitement.
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9 Could you define the process of moving out of one’s comfort zone?
Which external or internal factors could prompt us to step out of our comfort zone?
Stepping out of your comfort zone implies change and very often change is triggered by some kind of impetus. Martha Beck calls this impetus for change the death and rebirth phase of the change cycle. Sometimes this can be the physical death of a loved one, but other times it can be the end of one period in your life and the beginning of another - like entering retirement, or facing health challenges. It doesn’t have to be a negative experience.
Every new phase of our lives is accompanied by change, which implies that we leave the previous phase behind - and the person we were during that phase dies off and is reborn to deal with the challenges in the new chapter. Sometimes we realise that the status quo is no longer serving us and that we need to make changes, other times external factors act as the trigger for change - whatever the reason, we have to give ourselves permission to try new things.
Can we deliberately create these factors - for instance, setting a specific personal or work-related goal or embracing a challenge?
As humans, we regularly set ourselves new goals - especially in the beginning of a new year. That is why gym memberships soar in the first six weeks of the year, only to taper off towards the winter. Because of the psycho-cybernetic mechanism, we easily fall back on our old ways - unless the desire for the outcome outweighs the familiarity of the old behaviour. So it all boils down to our motivation - our reasons for stepping out of our comfort zone. If your reason is stronger than your fear, it becomes easier to take that first step.
How can we find the motivation/courage/conducive mindset to take the leap, especially regarding that very first step?
Like I said, if your reason for stepping out of your comfort zone is stronger than your fear, you are more likely to muster the courage to take the leap.
One of the best ways to encourage yourself, is to join forces with someone else, an accountability partner if you will.
Visualising your goal, creating a visual representation like a vision board or describing your goal in as much detail as you can in a journal also helps to motivate us.
If you want to take the plunge, stop analysing and just go for it!
As we get older, we sometimes gravitate towards “analysis paralysis”. The longer you think about taking that first step, the less likely it becomes that you will take action as you give that pesky psycho-cybernetic mechanism time to come up with excuses and reasons to keep you safely inside your comfort zone. I also believe in regular, small rewards along the way. If you know that after consistently doing something for a certain period, there is a treat or a reward waiting for you, you are more likely to stay the course. Humans love to play and turning our journey into a game with regular rewards makes it fun.
Does one need to outline the steps to be taken beforehand, and is it indeed possible?
As with any journey, it helps to have some idea of which direction to take, but we have to leave room for the unexpected. You can have an idea of the steps you would need to take to get to your goal, but if your plan is cast in stone, you are going to be extremely frustrated and tempted to give up.
Does one need support, and if so, which forms of support should one seek?
It depends on the situation. We are so very often our own worst enemies and our inner critics often run amok with our confidence and self esteem. Finding a supportive person to help us deal with our own criticism might be helpful.
Which challenges should one consider?
When we step out of our comfort zone, it creates anxiety, uncertainty and stress - so you should expect to feel a little anxious and stressed. When those feelings threaten to overwhelm you, you should consider how the benefits of your new behaviour would offset the discomfort you’re feeling. If the benefits don’t outweigh the anxiety and stress, you should perhaps reevaluate your plan and your reasons for wanting to change.
You should expect to feel discouraged along the way. Sometimes it will feel like it’s one step forward, two steps back - this is completely natural. As long as your vision is more compelling than your current reality, you will find the courage to move forward, even if it sometimes feel like more of a crawl than a walk.
What if significant others or the community feel threatened when we step out of our comfort zone?
One of the advantages of getting older is that we learn that the opinions of others are just that - their opinions. We get to choose how much weight the opinions of other people carry in our lives. It is your life and you are ultimately the only person who gets to decide how you live it.
Having said that, when it comes to significant others and children a more tactful approach is needed. If they can see the benefit of the new behaviour, they might (very likely) support it - but if they don’t, you might have to make some very difficult decisions. To live in fear is a life half lived and if we allow the fear of how others might react to our actions to hold us back, we risk living half a life.
Any advice for when we have reached our goal?
Enjoy it! There are only three things in this life that are certain: death, taxes and change. You never know when the next change cycle will hit and how long you will be able to enjoy the fruits of your efforts, so enjoy it.
There’s a story of a king that sent out a missive far and wide throughout the kingdom: whoever can keep him encouraged when the going gets tough and grounded when things are going well, will be given his weight in gold. From all corners of the kingdom people came; some with advice, some with prophesies and predictions of the future - but none of them could fulfil the king’s challenge. Then one day, an old man, dressed in rags limped into the throne room. “Your Majesty, I have what you are looking for,” he said. In his one hand he was holding a walking cane, in the other, he was flipping a shiny object. At first the king thought it was a coin, but as the old man came closer to the throne, the king saw that it was, in fact, a ring. The old man flipped the ring towards the king and while it was still in the air, he said: “The answer to all you questions is within.”
As the king caught the ring, he looked inside and saw the words “this too shall pass” engraved on the inside. It was indeed the answer to his riddle. When the going gets tough, remember, this too shall pass and when things are going well, this too shall pass. So savour your success, you don’t know how long you’ll be able to enjoy it…
10 What is your personal opinion of what being - and staying - fully alive involves?
I believe being alive involves experiencing as much as possible, remaining true to our own moral compass and serving God by helping each other. We live in a dualistic reality and we can only appreciate the light because of darkness’ contrast. Nothing in nature is static - if a plant doesn’t grow, it is dying. We are here to learn and grow and share our experiences.
I also believe wholeheartedly in the power of play and the lightness of having fun, but ultimately, I believe that we have the power to shape our reality - not because we can control our environment, but because we can control our response to it.
Liezl Thom
About Liezl
Liezl Thom is a broadcasting journalist, media training consultant, motivational speaker and author from Centurion. She is also a qualified master transformation coach, master multiple brain integration coach, life coach, Neurolinguistics practitioner and Inner Conflict Therapy practitioner. Over the past decade, she has been guiding her clients on their journeys to self-discovery and awakening. Liezl helps people re-evaluate and change the stories they tell themselves about themselves, which liberates them from their fears and limiting beliefs and helps them harness the power of change.
Accolades Liezl has won include Winner of the Woman of Stature Foundation Woman in Media 2022, Global Awards 2021/2022 Winner: Health Coach of the Year, and Mea Markets 2021 African Excellence Awards: Best Life & Transformational Coach.
Website: www.liezlthom.com
Email address: info@liezlthom.com
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Photograph of Liezl Thom: supplied
Other images: Unsplash