A leadership coach, existential psychotherapist and personal & professional expert on stuckness writes about the karmic tourism bureau, being “out in body,” and wrestling with our apparent irrelevance.

1 Your career has been rich and multifaceted. Would you like to mention a few highlights?

I have had many rich experiences – I think that when I picked my life from what was on offer in the karmic tourism bureau, I asked for a life that was variegated and difficult. I loved being an education officer at a museum, I loved working with small businesses, I love being in front of a group (the scarier the better). I am really loving writing now, it’s such a joy to play with words, fiddle around with ideas, and watch as a document takes shape almost without my guidance, and then I am learning to love the disciplines of writing and trying to get the spelling right and the commas in the right places. 

Julia with her book, ‘The Art and Joy of Stuckness for Coaches and their Clients’ (Routledge, 2024)

2 In which respects do you live boldly?

Some of my friends say I live boldly, it does not feel that way. I do know that I am very ambitious about living a full life and understand deeply that not doing so results in delinquency, drinking, resting on my laurels, and squandering my privilege. I was lucky to build a lot of agency and stamina in early life, and this has resulted in my superpower which is to just keep taking steps regardless of what is happening inside or outside me. This really is my only discipline, just to take a couple of steps every now and then. 

3 Have love relationships played a significant part in your life?

Absolutely, love has taken me to faraway places, built my survival skills, and helped me grow. Intimacy and connectedness fuel everything I do. I have perhaps done my time living out love through the lens of my early attachments patterns, but then who knows, perhaps I need to go another few rounds before I can move on.

Also listen to Julia on the nature of stuckness, its 5 stages, and how to “get stuck often and recover quickly.”

Julia and her son, Oliver Cooke

4 Tell us about your experience of motherhood.

I am not a very good mother, but maybe I am good enough. I have given up bench-marking my motherhood capacity against stay-at-home moms. Now, I am working on just-being-me as a mother, even if this means apologising for my ADHD incidents, and explaining to my son that my bad mood is just my bad mood with myself, and not his. My son is a constant marvel to me, I often blink and wipe away a tear when I see the incredible things he is doing with his life. 

5 You love to run, right?

I have a friend who drove past me while I was out running, and she said to me “I saw you out walking”. I thought she was very rude, but perhaps that sums it up. I am actually out there walking but my 59-year rheumatoid body thinks it is running. Maybe this is a good metaphor for my life. Actually, I don’t care, I am out in body and that is all that matters. 

6 You’re no stranger to the kitchen …

I have ADHD and consider cooking instructions an authoritarian imposition on my psyche. This means I read a lot of recipes, watch some YouTube clips and then make things without following any one set of instructions. I can make all sorts of things, including sausages and chorizo. Sadly, my approach means that I can’t bake. That’s okay, I don’t really need the carbs anyway.

7 What comes up when the word ‘painting’ is mentioned? 

I studied fine art for a year, until my lifestyle interfered. I was not a well-behaved student at the time. I still paint and find the outcomes generally unsatisfying. As a result, I look on painting as a process and not an outcome activity. This frees me up to be me, and paint ugly where I need to.

8 You once referred to allowing our world to expand instead of contract as we grow older. Do say more.

As we grow old, we can start feeling frail or irrelevant or not up to big challenges. This can make us contract our lives into a small space where we feel safe. When we do this, we shrink our context from the whole world to just our kitchen. While this keeps us safe, we fail to engage with life fully, and this can make us ratty, unsatisfied, and we can experience existential guilt at not living our life fully enough. We can even take it out on our partners and children.  

I believe that when we get older, we should expand our worlds and build our stamina for living in the discomfort of a new time, wrestle with our apparent irrelevance and bear our physical changes with a bit more grace. This can help us to live our lives more fully and limit the relentless downward spiralling discussion about ailments at tea parties. 

About Julia

Dr Julia Kukard is a leadership coach, coach trainer, existential psychotherapist and personal & professional expert on stuckness, based in Cape Town.

Aephoria Partners - the business Julia co-owns with Dr Simon Kettleborough and Lucille Greeff - has developed an assessment of vertical and horisontal development (the Enneagram and maturity) which provides a baseline and pathway for individual and group development. More recently, Julia has been working in the area of governance, particularly sustainability governance.

Julia’s doctorate in existential psychotherapy from Middlesex University London focuses on leadership stuckness, using the work of Steve Biko and other African liberation writers.

Website: www.jkukard.com

Email address: drjuliakukard@gmailcom

Aephoria: https://aephoriagroup.com/dr-julia-kukard/

YouTube: Aephoria

LinkedIn: Dr Julia Kukard

The Art and Joy of Stuckness for Coaches and their Clients by Dr Julia Kukard (Routledge, 2024) - including case studies from around the world - can be found at Loot, Amazon and (soon) Exclusive Books.

Thumbnail image: Unsplash

Other images: supplied by Dr Julia Kukard.