This can make moms’ lives easier
There’s a reason why babies are called bundles of joy, but while motherhood is a great privilege it can also feel like an enormous responsibility, especially for moms set on “getting it right”. Three warm-hearted women - a psychologist, social worker and clinical social worker - with children and grandchildren of their own offer aha moments, sensible approaches and practical tips that have helped them negotiate parenthood.
Erna Rheeder, co-ordinator SAVF FAMNET and SAVF Fathers’ Network from Pretoria
When I was a little girl, my ambition was to get married and become a mom.
It looked so easy!
Now my children are grown-ups and three grandchildren laugh from the photos on the wall.
Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Yes.
In fact, it was the biggest growth experience of my life!
What I learnt along the way:
A baby or a small child has many needs. There are times when you cannot keep the house in perfect order. Don’t feel guilty about it. Accept it and enjoy the time spent with your child. Rest when you need to. And trust God as the Shepherd who gently leads those who are with young.
I slept as much as I could, but then I came to realise that sleeping till my children woke up would lead to chaos. At one point I started setting my alarm for 5h00 – to prepare breakfast and lunch boxes and to pray. This brought order and peace to my life and I’d be ready for whatever surprises the day would bring. I still get up at five.
With little money, we had to improvise regarding toys and things to do. Together we learnt to stop and admire a beautiful flower. We would feel the sun on our skins and walk in the street when the water came down after some rain. I didn’t mind my children getting dirty, because in the process we had such fun.
Image: Unsplash
Whenever we went on holiday, I made a travel bag with books and games. Or we would play games – word games, car-cricket, mapping out the road and posting stickers whenever we reached the next town. It shortened the road while strengthening the bonds.
We had periods when my children caused disasters. Those were times when I realised the best thing to do was not to blame and grow bitter, but to search for that one thing a day to do towards finding relief. And to keep loving them, regardless of going about with your heart in your hands.
Throughout my child-rearing days I had good friends who could share the hardships. We encouraged each other. But in friendship we need balance as well. Never stop having fun and sharing beautiful stories about your children.
In the end, what really matters is that our relationship with our children stay strong. Then we and our children can face many struggles. In our day-to-day living it means making a fresh start every morning, to keep hoping, to keep going and to never stop praying.
Lees wat Erna sê oor die belangrikheid van pa’s en ander liefdevolle mansfigure in kinders se lewens.
Morag Scordilis, clinical social worker from Cape Town
You don’t have to “get it right” every time or all the time. It’s OK to make mistakes; it gives our children permission to make mistakes too. Mistakes are how we learn - they are our best teacher. Use your mistakes to create a teaching moment; apologise and make it right. Your children will learn this behaviour and be less likely to be so intensely demanding of themselves as they grow older. We have seen a plethora of teens who are so hard on and demanding of themselves in the academic sphere that it becomes toxic and unhealthy.
Ensure that you fill your own emotional tank. It’s impossible to give from an empty tank, and motherhood is one of the most demanding and giving jobs any woman will ever experience. Take time out to do things for yourself – especially amidst the challenges and stress of Covid-19. Even if you take only ten minutes to soak in a nice hot bath while dad or granny takes care of the little one for those few minutes. With older children, put a sign on the door: “DO NOT DISTURB - mom is filling her tank”. Go for a run, listen to some music, or sit in the sun and have a cup of tea. Think “float” for a while - no stressing, no carrying heavy thoughts and worries, just relaxing. Float and feed your soul for a few minutes every day!
Develop an attitude of Gratitude. Neuroscience has shown that having a genuine attitude of gratitude reduces stress.
Develop a practice of thinking through what there is to be grateful for and then genuinely focus on those things for a few minutes. Prayer - in whatever form or religion - and mindfulness and meditation help to develop this sense of gratitude, so use these methods if they work for you.
Image: Unsplash
Right now I can think of how many of us here in Cape Town can be so very grateful for the fact that we have not been threatened or affected by the recent fires. We forget that many people do not have a roof over their heads, do not have food or are struggling with the ravages and challenges of Covid-19.
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Dr. Hannetjie van Zyl-Edeling, counselling psychologist and mediator from Johannesburg
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they do not belong to you.”
””
From The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
This sentiment of Kahlil Gibran for me is the crux of motherhood. Children are special treasures from the universe, temporarily in my care, for me to cherish and support. I see myself as an agent of protection and growth for the child. I am invested in their unique path and there to assist them on their journey. I see it as my job to get them from a helpless little ball of potential to a healthy, happy, confident adult, who is able to take on their unique role in their own life.
My role is to help them become who they were meant to be. They are not my possessions. They are not extensions of me or carriers of my lost dreams. They are here on their own unique mission and are in my “orbit” for the backing, support, love and encouragement I am able to give them, and the lessons they will learn from our life together.
To me it is essential that I am, and always will be, an integral part of their life and that we have a mutual relationship based on respect, trust, honesty and unconditional love. Early positive conditioning is essential if you still want to be able to influence your teenagers or adult children when you can no longer carry them to their room for quiet reflection. To have a good long-term relationship with them, best you have installed yourself in their lives as a reliable and trustworthy person from the beginning. This comes from being consistent – your yes is yes, and no is no, and they know this. Never idly threaten or promise unless you are prepared to lose respect.
I see it as my job to set boundaries that are fair and reasonable, for their safety rather than my convenience. The boundaries are firm, but broaden out with their growth, till when they leave school and are able to look after themselves.
Show love in many ways, particularly by being present in their lives, for the big and small events. There is a big difference between smothering and support. Help children grow by not overprotecting them or sorting out every little challenge they may face. Discuss alternatives and then let them experience the outcome of their decisions. Take time to debrief afterwards. They must know that you always have their back, and while they are still under your roof, are entitled to call on your support 24/7, and that if they feel unable to stand up for themselves in a certain situation, you will.
Have discussions with your children, from early on, about everything important to them. We all need to test our opinions and worldviews in safe places.
Image: Pexels
Teach them the value of, and to use logical (adult) thinking. Remember, your attention and time are the best rewards for good behaviour – focus on what’s good and reinforce that.
For the sake of your child’s long-term health, invest in good health and eating habits from the earliest moment and do not bribe or reward them with junk food. Be aware of the hidden or double messages from your choices in all interactions, and especially around food.
Be an example for your children and most of all, treat them as if they are intelligent, special, and lovable and they will be that, tenfold!
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Contact details
Erna Rheeder, co-ordinator at SAVF FAMNET and SAVF Fathers’ Network, is a social worker from Pretoria: 012 325 3920 x 2056 or erheeder@savf.co.za
Morag Scordilis, clinical social worker from Cape Town, has a private practice which includes online counselling: https://www.moragscordilis.co.za/
Dr. Hannetjie van Zyl-Edeling, counselling psychologist, accredited mediator and author, lives and works in Johannesburg: 082 460 4575, www.drhannetjie.co.za/ and www.freechildcompany.co.za
A journalist, psychologist and psychiatrist write what they love about being a mom - and what helps them stay sane!
Thumbnail image: Pexels
Images of dr. Hannetjie van Zyl-Edeling, Morag Scordilis and Erna Rheeder: supplied