A good-enough dad against the background of Western society
Clinical psychologist Jeffrey Rink emphasises the concept of a “good-enough” dad and considers what a “good-enough” society may look like. Which elements should our society address? Can spirituality significantly contribute to easing fathers’ role, and also assist in a broader societal context? How about psychotherapy? Join Jeffrey in his probing of these profound questions.
“Among the greatest discoveries in the post-war social and health care system,” says clinical psychologist and dad Jeffrey Rink, “was paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott’s finding of the holding function of the mother - what he called a ‘good enough mother’. We can expand this holding function to a ‘good enough’ society.
“Winnicott believed that a mother does not have to be a perfect mother - that is, without failures - to provide emotional holding. Instead, he found, she needs to be able to respond to the needs of her child by being present when it needs her and, even more importantly, by not being there when protection is not necessary.
“This concept applies to fathers too - the father does not have to be perfect, just ‘good enough.’”
What a good-enough father needs to keep in mind:
Show affection and love: Let your children know that you love and appreciate them. Spend quality time with them and show them affection.
Listen and communicate: Be a patient listener and communicate with your children. Understand their needs, thoughts, and feelings. Encourage them to express themselves and respect their opinions.
Set boundaries and discipline: Set clear boundaries and rules for your children. Be consistent with your discipline and reward good behaviour.
Be a role model: You are your children's most significant role model, so show them how to be a good human being through your words and actions.
Support their dreams and ambitions: Encourage your children to strive for their aspirations and provide them with support in pursuing their passions.
Stay involved and attend events: Attend your children's games, school plays, and events. When you show up for them, you can make a significant difference in their lives.
Image: Pexels
Take care of yourself: Being a good father means taking care of yourself too. Ensure you are healthy, mentally stable and happy.
“So, being a good-enough father is all about being present, supportive, and loving to your children no matter what they are going through in life.”
Is Western society “good enough”?
Each father and his family function within and are influenced by their society. Jeffrey takes a probing look at Western society in general:
“Western society, like any other society, is complex and multifaceted, so it is difficult to make sweeping generalizations about what it lacks. However, there are certain areas where Western society is often criticised or where there are ongoing debates about shortcomings:
Inequality: Western societies often struggle with income and wealth inequality, which can lead to social divisions and limited opportunities for certain groups. There is an ongoing need to address disparities in access to resources, education, healthcare, and employment opportunities. This is so apparent in South Africa.
Mental health support: While awareness about mental health has grown in Western societies, many argue that there is still a lack of adequate support and resources for those dealing with mental health issues. Stigma surrounding mental health can also prevent individuals from seeking help.
Social cohesion: Western societies can sometimes face challenges in fostering social cohesion and a sense of community, especially in large urban areas where people may feel disconnected from their neighbours. Building stronger social bonds and promoting inclusivity can be areas of improvement.
Environmental sustainability: Concerns about climate change and environmental degradation highlight the need for Western societies to address their impact on the planet. Transitioning to more sustainable practices, reducing carbon emissions, and prioritising renewable energy sources are ongoing challenges.
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Trust in institutions: In recent years, there has been a decline in public trust in institutions such as governments, political parties, and the media in Western societies. Rebuilding trust and ensuring transparency and accountability are important for a well-functioning society. This is evident in South Africa, where so much of the population has lost faith in institutions.
Cultural understanding and diversity: While Western societies have made progress in recognising and appreciating cultural diversity, there is still work to be done in terms of understanding and respecting different cultures, religions, and worldviews. Promoting inclusivity, combating discrimination, and fostering dialogue are important steps towards a more diverse and harmonious society.
“These points may not apply universally to all Western societies, as different countries and regions within the Western world face unique challenges.”
Western society and spirituality
Could focused attention to certain aspects of spirituality make for a better society and, by implication, ease fathers’ task and foster connection?
“Spirituality is a deeply personal and subjective aspect of human experience, and the spiritual needs of individuals can vary greatly,” Jeffrey writes. “However, in Western society, there are certain trends and needs that have been identified:
Meaning and purpose: Many people in Western society seek a sense of meaning and purpose in their lives. They may question the materialistic and consumer-driven aspects of society and yearn for a deeper connection to something beyond the material world.
Connection and community: Western societies, especially in urban areas, can sometimes foster a sense of isolation and disconnectedness. Many individuals have a need for a sense of belonging and community, where they can connect with others who share their values and beliefs.
Inner peace and well-being: The fast-paced and demanding nature of Western societies can contribute to stress, anxiety, and a general sense of unrest. Individuals often seek practices and experiences that promote inner peace, mindfulness, and overall well-being.
Transcendence and transcendental experiences: Western society often values rationality, science, and empirical evidence, but there is still a yearning for experiences that go beyond the mundane and rational. Many people seek moments of transcendence or spiritual experiences that provide a sense of awe, wonder, and connection to something greater. This is where connecting with nature can be so meaningful - it is in nature that one can experience the interconnectedness of life, where one can connect with the ‘beyond’, where one can transcend the stresses of daily life and gain new insights, where consciousness can alter in a natural way. It is in nature that one can replenish oneself, and find new energy and perspectives.
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Moral and ethical guidance: In the absence of a universally accepted moral framework, many individuals in Western society seek guidance on ethical and moral issues. They may turn to spirituality and religious traditions for moral guidance and principles to navigate complex ethical dilemmas.
Healing and self-discovery: Western society places significant emphasis on individualism and personal growth. Many people seek spiritual practices and teachings that can help them heal from past traumas, understand themselves better, and embark on a journey of self-discovery.
“It's important to recognise that spiritual needs and expressions vary widely among individuals within Western society. Some may find fulfillment within traditional religious frameworks, while others may explore alternative spiritual paths or engage in secular practices such as meditation, self hypnosis, or nature-based spirituality.”
Here Jeffrey speaks about his intimate wilderness retreats, and tells delightful (and informative) wilderness stories.
How about psychotherapy for men, including fathers?
“I have found with 38 or so years of clinical experience that increasing numbers of men are coming for psychotherapy,” Jeffrey writes. “The world they are in now is different to the world they were brought up in. Fatherhood imposes demands and they often do not have role models to follow. Wives too are often working.
“Being a father requires diverse skills that can be stressful to navigate. Psychotherapy can play a vital role in this regard - knowing that all that is needed is to be a ‘good-enough father’ is therapeutic in and of itself. Through psychotherapy, fathers can work through their own ‘father’ issues, what being a father means to them, how their father was, and indeed process issues related to their family of origin.
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“The therapist might incorporate meditational practices or self-hypnosis to assist the father in coping with stress. Counselling in parenting and parenting techniques may be relevant too.”
Here Jeffrey discusses the benefits and function of clinical hypnosis, dismantling the myths surrounding it.
You can also read an article citing 3 reasons why being a dad may be hard.
About Jeffrey, including contact details
Jeffrey Rink is a clinical psychologist and Diplomate of the South African Society of Clinical Hypnosis (SASCH). He has a private practice in Hout Bay, Cape Town. Since 1998 he has facilitated more than 65 Ecopsychology retreats.
Website: https://www.ecopsychologyafrica.com/
Email address: shrink@tiscali.co.za
Tel. 021 790 2573 or 083 632 3039
Facebook: Ecopsychology Africa
Photograph of Jeffrey Rink: supplied
Thumbnail: Unsplash