What should you bear in mind when making love? Dr. Elna Rudolph, medical doctor and sexologist, reveals ten rules for sexual etiquette.

Sensitive content: this article is intended for adult readers and contains a candid discussion of sexual practices.

“Sexual etiquette is what you make of it. I first came across this topic when I was invited to give a talk on sexual etiquette at an event in Botswana. It had never popped up in my post-graduate studies and, like any good doctor, I googled the concept right away!
“When two people are so intimately involved with each other, it helps when they play according to the same rules. Often couples follow these rules instinctively, but in my practice I see many couples who have been together for a long time and need to sort out a problem. In that case, it’s useful to get clear on these matters. Parents can also use these points to get the conversation going and educate their children.”

1. Yes, you guessed it …

“The most important thing about good sex is that a couple must be able to communicate about it. It’s good etiquette to ask for what you want. Often, this is difficult – women may, for instance, believe that sexual satisfaction is mainly meant for men. Apart from that, it’s hard to say: ‘I’d like you to stroke my clitoris softly.’ I had been studying sexology for quite a while before I was able to say ‘clitoris’ out loud!
“Also, it’s difficult to communicate well while we are having sex. We tend to fall back on criticism – for instance: ‘That hurts!’ For some reason it seems easier to focus on the negative aspects. On the other hand, when we highlight the positive aspects our partner is more relaxed. Sex is supposed to come naturally, but if someone is constantly being criticised, they feel inept. Fault-finding blocks the flow of passion and sex becomes less enjoyable.”
What if we don’t have the necessary vocabulary to communicate our desires?
“The words you need to communicate successfully during sex, are words you mastered at the age of two. They are:
Harder, softer; faster, slower; up, down; left, right; deeper, stop.

How does one approach this if sex has always taken place in complete silence?
“I’m a huge fan of spontaneous honesty. Just tell your partner, perhaps over a cup of coffee: ‘You won’t believe it, but today I read this article and the doctor said we actually need only ten words in order to communicate during sex. How about we try it to see if it works?’ Chances are your partner will agree, since we all need feedback in order to make sex better for ourselves and for each other.”

2. Return the favour

“Returning the favour is the right thing to do. If your partner likes giving you oral sex, it’s probably what they’d love to receive. Many couples differ on the topic of oral sex. Women, especially, are often put off by the idea. They feel they cannot allow it, perhaps because of sexual trauma, religious beliefs, or other reasons. In my office we speak openly about any issue, so if I pick up that this is a problem, I ask (usually the man): ‘Would you like to receive oral sex?’ When he says he would, his wife might say she cannot go there. Then I ask her: ‘What would you be able to do? Could you kiss him above his bellybutton?’ When she says she could, I ask: ‘And below his bellybutton?’ Then we take it from there.
“The advantage of sex therapy is that we talk about difficult subjects. It’s not rocket science, it’s simply a case of finding practical solutions to help couples reach their goals. There is, of course, no such thing as ‘everybody needs to have oral sex’. If both partners are happy without it, all is well.”

3. What your mother taught you

“It’s important to take your partner’s hygienic preferences into consideration. Some people can do manual work all day, come home and have sex then and there.

I feel one should be able to enjoy a quickie even when everything isn’t perfectly clean, but good sex often requires preparation.
“A little planning goes a long way. If you don’t have time for a shower a disposable intimate wipe can do the job. You can keep toothpaste or mints in your bedside drawer to sort out your breath. The bottom line is to show respect for your partner’s preferences.”

Read dr. Elna Rudolph’s advice on women, sex and menopause.

4. Sounds good

“It’s bad-mannered to have sex in complete and utter silence. Having sex with a partner who presses those lips together and stares at the ceiling is a weird experience. You need to make some sounds. There are people who like to be very vocal during sex, and there is method in the madness. If your partner can hear the way you breathe, they have an indication of how aroused you are getting and how close you are to orgasm. This also gives them a better idea of what turns you on.
“The same goes for you. Even if you are still thinking about your shopping list, your breathing and any other sounds will tell you that you are getting aroused. Complete silence reduces the intensity of the experience for yourself and your partner. If there are other people within hearing distance, you needn’t go for decibels, but do part those lips!”

5. A hot potato

“A question that regularly comes my way concerns anal sex. Many people are not interested, but often one partner really is. This matter requires a sensitive approach. One does not simply force anal sex onto a partner.

Elna se “Up close and personal”-profiel is hier beskikbaar.

“A little information: the nerve that goes to the clitoris has a branch that surrounds the anal canal. The brain cannot quite distinguish between a sensation coming from the clitoris and a sensation coming from the area surrounding the anus. We can feel the difference, but for many people the potential for arousal is similar. A partner who wants to test the waters should touch the area very lightly during foreplay. If the other person immediately moves away, it’s a no-go.
“I often remind people who watch porn that the impression that is conveyed is unrealistic. Anal sex is never discussed and there is an illusion of implied consent. Moreover, porn actors have done this a thousand times. Bear in mind that normal human functioning means the anal sphincter is in spasm, which makes penetration very difficult. Of course, there are people who can easily relax their anal sphincter. Mostly, however, things need to be taken slowly. A lot of lubrication is required. First, use only the tip of the pinkie on the outside, and see whether your partner enjoys this. Internal stimulation is also pleasurable, which means that someone who doesn’t enjoy external stimulation may well enjoy internal stimulation – who knows?
“Anal sex is a very delicate issue. I’ve come across people who have been blaming their partners for years on account of it. They either say: ‘You never allowed me this pleasure!’ or: ‘You forced me into this’. Discuss the matter beforehand and take it slowly to ensure that both partners find it enjoyable.”

6. Staying safe

“In South Africa about half of all people who are HIV positive got it from their partners. This is a reality. I work in Bryanston and consult the richest of the rich, yet every single day I see patients with sexually transmitted diseases. You simply cannot look at someone and assume that because they are affluent, educated and well-bred, they are uninfected.
“There is no such thing as safe sex without a condom, unless both parties are virgins or in a long-term relationship which is 100% monogamous. Bear in mind that in 10% of all romantic relationships at least one person is unfaithful. On account of the risk involved we should use condoms in all relationships, always, even within marriage.
“One would expect that marriage partners who have an affair would use a condom, but this is often not the case. They would probably not have an affair with someone they see as dodgy and, once again, people believe that those who appear respectable simply cannot be infected.
“Etiquette prescribes that a condom is used each and every time until both members of a couple have communicated in earnest and undertaken to be faithful and – most importantly – to inform each other the moment this should change. A condom is the starting point, not something that is put to use after we’ve had sex a couple of times. At that stage, you could already have contracted gonorrhoea.

7. Contraception

Contraception should be discussed before a couple gets into bed. In the context of a long-term relationship a woman could, for instance, ask: ‘Am I going to take the Pill, which may impede my libido, or are you going to help me pay for a Mirena?’ or ‘When we do not want to have more children, will you have a vasectomy?’
“It is, of course, every woman’s right to decide which form of contraception she would like to use, but the responsibility should be shared. This conversation must take place before sex – merely assuming that someone is taking preventative measures can have unpleasant and far-reaching effects.”

Elna praat eerlik oor haar werk met, en deernis vir, transgendermense.

8. A real turn-off

“This may seem obvious, but cell phones and laptops should be a no-no during sex. You wouldn’t believe how many people take a look at their phone the moment it beeps – while making love! This is a symptom of a sick society. It’s very, very rude.”

9. On high alert

“When you allow a photograph or video to be taken during sex, you should be 100% sure where this material may go. Sexting seems cool, but the minute you have pressed ‘send’ it’s out of your hands. Many couples find recording themselves exciting. If you do, you should reach an agreement before you do it. Many court cases have stemmed from the misuse of this kind of material after the end of a relationship. The safest course of action is to stay away from any kind of recording.”

10. Keep the talk sweet

“Making negative comments about your partner’s performance, penis, body odour, etcetera during sex is bad etiquette. Don’t do it. Being around someone who doles out criticism is not pleasant.
“Yes, you want to convey your needs, but there are better ways of doing it.

It can be simple, for example: ‘I loved it when you kissed my ear’, or you can highlight an issue such as enjoying having your clitoris lightly stroked. Be sincere. If nothing comes to mind, you can give it a little thought.
“Try acquiring this new habit! It’s astounding to see the effect of positive feedback on your partner’s brain hormones – amongst other things it stimulates the production of oxytocin, which strengthens attachment. Moreover, knowing what you really like helps your partner expand their sexual repertoire. This makes for a win-win situation.
“In conclusion: these rules aren’t set in stone. Your cultural and religious background will influence the way you apply these 10 points. Have fun!”

Contact details

Dr. Elna Rudolph is a medical doctor, sexologist and the clinical head of My Sexual Health, die biggest multidisciplinary team of Sexual Health Professionals in South Africa with offices in Johannesburg, Pretoria and Cape Town. Dr. Rudolph is the President of the World Association for Sexual Health (WAS) and is involved in the Southern African Sexual Health Association (SASHA).

Tel. 011 568 4844

www.DrElnaRudolph.com
www.MySexualHealth.co.za
Facebook Dr. Elna Rudolph – Sexologist
Instagram: @sexologistmom

This article has been based on an Afrikaans podcast interview recorded for rrRADIO, the podcast platform of rooi rose magazine.

Images: Unsplash, unless indicated otherwise. Models were used in images.